whereareyougoingstanley | Recent Entries

I was in the shower and I just sort of came up with these descriptions for Kate as a person in general and as a girlfriend.

As a bro: hilarious, sarcastic, creative, subtle and passionate

As a girlfriend: supportive, patient, uncommunicative, non-judgmental, direct

Current Mood: calm

I've never cried like this before
I started sort of involuntarily rocking back and forth and my teeth were chattering and now i feel sick.

i always imagine how i would go about telling kate all the things i want to say and i just pictured the perfect way to say it. it was absolutely perfect. and then i got carried away and accidentally imagined a perfect way she could react to it and that's when i started crying

why this

Current Mood: crushed

Whenever I find a blog entry of hers that is about something that matters to her and something that she's thinking about and struggling with I just get filled with this really intense and horrible feeling. I don't really know what it is but I just feel physically ill an I can't look at it right away. I don't know I just I have this feeling that we never really talk about things that actually matter unless it's me attempting to talk about things and apologising a lot and I just I long for a real conversation I crave having a night where we lie awake on my bed talking about the future and jobs and how do you know which one to do and how do you get one and what happens if you can't and how can you ever save up enough to buy a house and if you could live anywhere in the city where would it be and what would you name a cat and would you get it from the SPCA or buy it and I don't know just
stuff
or maybe talk about philosophy and whether souls exist or whether space is infinite and if we think the human race will survive for another 500 years or if Wall-e will happen
or music and what sort of songs we would sing if we had a band and what type of songs we wish we could write but we can't
or what we love about Sherlock Holmes or

I don't know
I don't care
I just want to talk.... and I want to talk in person... and I want her to talk to me.

I guess I feel like I don't matter or she doesn't trust me or mainly that she doesn't feel like she can talk to me about these things and that makes me feel like a fool because she's the only person that I can talk to about some things but she doesn't go to me she goes to the internet

I just
blerg

Current Mood: discontent

well
i've basically spent the entire day doing nothing
just
watching tv with jess and ben
and eating
and well it was nice
it was really nice to hang out with them all day and actually feel connected to my family :)

but i've also been having this painful non-communication time with kate just because our phones are dumb and tumblr keeps not sending through our messages and i dislike it intensely it sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks
so
yeah
i keep not doing anything :P

but while i was sitting there not knowing what to do, i made this writing marathon about the steam interacting with the inside of my tea cup

:)

Steam

Tonight I watched steam
because I didn't know what to do
as you walked in and out of my room
and I put off hating myself
until you'd properly left.
It's incredible that I've never noticed this before
the play of mounds and valleys
a brilliant firework of hazy rainbow edges
as the shapes distort endlessly
like some sort of poorly animated graph
by a first year student
trying to impress their class
it just goes on and on
as the tea doubtless gets cold
as I always let it do
but this time
it's not out of neglect, it's out of fondness
this bond I have formed with the steam
it needs me to watch it
as much as I need it to be there to give me purpose
for these 3 minutes, I am somebody
I am the girl who watches steam play with the inside of tea cups
who notices the forgotten
who saves the details of this
blue speckled purple cosine
that even now is dispappearing and reappearing elsewhere
there's never a dull moment
for the steam is always travelling
oh to be changeable
to go with things as they happen and not worry
opposite the handle or beside it, the wave moves
untroubled
free as the heat breaks out into the new world beyond the cup
Is it lucky I wonder
Did it have a good time,
putting on a show for me
there on the edge of the cup between the meniscus
and the rim?
Well I'd like to think so
or else what's the point
Keep going steam
don't stop
I'm thirsty now but I need something to drag me out of this
chill that no sweater seems to solve
I've let tea go cold before
and I probably will again
but this time
is different..
We've connected you and I
through your warmth and my need and your need to be free
we'll be great together,
steam,
just you wait, it'll just be you and me.

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: avenue q

in other news, happy birthday to u! :DDD

u are a babe :)

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: return to sender :)

Well I have decided that this playlist that is pretty much all I can bring myself to listen to "atm" eugh no bleugh not a nice acronym sobs aaaaaah
...
cough
....
right
haha
um yes anyway (why did i use it and then complain instead of just not using it.....? ..... :P)

I have decided that it is ~telling~
so ah
yeah
here it is! :D

Vienna- Billy Joel
I Dreamed a Dream -from Les Mis
Kiss The Girl -from The Little Mermaid
One Less Bell to Answer/A House is not a Home -Glee Cast
Seven Nation Army -The White Stripes
Smile -Charlie Chaplin
Iris -The Goo Goo Dolls

yep XD

Current Mood: full

haha it's strange i always seem to put lists on here haha :P

well
i decided i should make a list of the mental things i feel as if i have at the moment

OCD (ongoing)
depression (mood) (has been getting progressively worse for a number of months)
body dysmorphic syndrome (have had for 2 years or so now)
dermatillomania (I don't remember not having it)
binge eating (since coming back from Melbourne)
ROCD (I donno I just feel like the obsessing over relationship-ness is sort of entering this sort of territory now it's getting so out of hand)
suicidal ideation (not very often but I do have some very bad days)
anorexic tendencies (ongoing for the past 2 years)

wow
haha
so i guess when mum said her family has a history of mental illness... i really just cropped the lot of it :P

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Vienna

a list of things i want to do

spend a whole sunny day baking
have a tea party with all of my friends and everyone would be happy
run around outside in all of the public places singing precisely how i feel and for that to be totally normal
to be able to dance all day
to not get hungry
to be able to fit more water in my stomach haha :P
to have nice teeth
to be fit
to be happy
to hug kate :)

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: i dreamed a dream

i don't really know what's going on with my life at the moment
like
i keep listening to i dreamed a dream because it just feels relevant...
i keep eating too much and i keep beating myself up about it
i've been gaining muscle though because i've been doing weights and i discovered that i love love weights in a strange feminist way haha :P

but like
i'm learning things that are interesting
and i want to care
and i do care
and i want to try hard
and i do try hard

but there's just no time! and i just waste too much time! and i just don't know where all the time is always going all the time?!?!?!!?!! ajoifjaweofi ajewofaeoawp

I just want
to be satisfied.

that's all i want at this point
is just to be able to do something well or try my hardest at something or have a good day or heck even just a good hour and just be able to just
accept it
and congratulate myself
and let myself have that success
without questioning everything and being so unsure and being so critical and being so
imperfect
all the time

i feel like i want someone to help me like i need someone to reassure me
but i also feel like i need this to come from me
i just
jaiofjawefajwefjwaoeifjwaeojaowej a
everything happens at once

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: i dreamed a dream

On the inside

One of life's less pleasant phenomena
is the amazing capacity for doors to affect one's mood.
For instance,
inside a particular door one may find continual questioning
about why one chooses to spend so very much time
outside it.
The root cause can seem untraceable,
the accused them-self completely unaware
that it was even happening at all.
And yet,
to the trained eye it is all too apparent
how the mood drops
as they cross the threshold.
That suddenly the most glorious example
of personality
and drive
and dedication
and skill
and happiness
to everyone outside the door
no longer holds any presence,
once they get inside.
On the contrary,
there is nothing very much they can do
to stop displeasing the people
in there.

No one really gets them
inside the door
no one really approves of what they like,
and even when they've tried until they're sore but they're triumphant
or if their heart is bleeding and it just won't stop,

they don't say anything.

No glory, no hurt, no goals do they share.
Inside the door,
no one cares.

It might not seem like it
to someone perching on the porch.
I guess we're all smiles in public.
But if you want to know the reason
why opening that door is so hard
and so unappealing,
listen at the walls
on the inside of the door,
and you won't be asking any-more.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

and now i'm going to tidy my room haha :)

Current Mood: determined

i decided to write this poem today about being at home because people keep going on at me about how i'm "never at home" and i remember in year 8 when i read that book about the girl who didn't like going home because her padre beat her (which is awful and completely terrible) (and i feel like a bit of a knuckleheadmcspazzatron for not liking being at home sometimes when my life is nothing at all like that level of bad)and i wondered what that would feel like because i really liked being at home at the time...
but
well yeah
everyone just says it in that somewhat jovial matter but i donno those sorts of things just get to me
and no one ever seems to realise that, which sort of makes it worse i think? i donno i mean i would just like to think that it would occur to people that constantly calling me a deserter or a never at home person in a complaining/ oh rebecca why do you do that you're so terrible tone would make me feel bad. and that constantly looking at my face and telling me how i should fix my skin and 'oh your skin looks good today' or 'oh your skin looks bad today' etc. like aj ieofwopeia WHY WOULDN'T THAT MAKE ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE!??!?!?!!
WHY WOULDN'T I DISLIKE THAT?!??!!?
seriously
ajwoie fpoawiejwa
i mean i know i know i know i know that they just do it because they are trying to be encouraging/helpful and because they care but
it's really
i just feel completely judged by all of these external things
all of the time
and ONLY by my family
it's like the rest of the world thinks i'm this great amazing person and
they just only see the bad things
and i know that's because they're my family
and that other people can't exactly go around telling me 'oh rebecca i heard your dad had to wash your gym clothes three times to get the smell out, getting pretty sweaty eh??'
haha :P
that would be weird :P hehe
but
well
ajo wfpwe
it just
gets me down.....
and today
i was feeling so so so so so happy and so amazing and i walked down queen street and i actually could think about the future and feel happy and i thought about kate and how much i love her and i bought everyone a little present and i was on top of the world :)
and then
as soon as i got home i immediately felt awful
and i nearly cried
and i couldn't really figure out why
but then i i donno i realised that this place sort of drains me sometimes
and that makes me sad
but well i don't really know what to do about it......

haha

anyway, i will put up the poem now haha :P
i'll make it a seperate post because this is getting very long :P

Current Mood: indifferent

it has just occurred to me that the discovery of castlecomer potentially saved my life

THANKYOU FOR EXISTING CASTLECOMER TO DROWN OUT MY WOES :)

Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: ALWAYS CASTLECOMER

I've decided to make a lot of random lists

MY FAVOURITE CD'S
my dear a little frog
danny's den
chicken little soundtrack
rubber soul
revolver
hairspray
jersey boys

MY FAVOURITE BEVERAGES
hot chocolate from florentine's
milkshakes from the lindt cafe
cookies and cream milk
calcistrong chocolate milk in a thomas box
raspberry lipton ice tea
jasmine pearl tea
water
pepsi max
fresh carrot and orange juice
rose and vanilla tea
regular tea with milk

MY LEAST FAVOURITE THINGS
mitt romney
john key
full cream milk
bad hot chocolates
bingeing
being unhappy
thinspiration blogs
the will you blow my whistle song
people telling me what to do
criticality (which is a word :) )
constantly worrying about money

MY DESIRED APPEARANCE
this haircut
twilight sparkle dyed-ness
spiderman body
to wear a suit and my heels and not die in the feet department and look hot haha
and be noticed as being hot XD

MY LEAST FAVOURITE EMOTIONS
useless
unloved
unhappy
suicidal
depressed
pathetic
guilty
jealous

MY LEAST FAVOURITE FEELINGS
fat
tired
confused

A RANDOM LIST OF COOL PEOPLE
obama
john lennon
sherlock holmes
whoever invented cake
raspberri cupcakes
kate
zaphod beeblebrox
that dude that was the doorman at the concert hall place in Melbourne that I asked about buying tickets to Berlioz
castlecomer
liam the mj teacher
jade
jessu
the dilmah ad guy "do try it"

A LIST OF FUN ACTIVITIES
dancing
really loud music (that's an activity :P)
making ice cream
swimming
being a babe (i just felt the need to write that)

okay
i am dancing now
there is castlecomer
peace is restored to the galaxy
i will now stop these lists :)

Current Mood: ?!? who knows really XDD
Current Music: CASTLECOMER :DD

Well today has been weird
it was cool because jess came home

but i donno i mean i ate three crossaints and i don't know how i feel about that

i watched the same movie twice and i don't know how i feel about that

i have achieved very little and i don't know how i feel about that

and i've been about to sort of start to ask you about when we can talk about stuff a couple of times and i just looked at the cool kings picture on my desk just now and you're grinning so ridiculously haha it just made me happy :) and it's so easy to get caught up in either blaming you or blaming me and either becoming crazy or frustrated and i donno i guess i just need to concentrate on what's actually important and remind myself about real tangible you, not theories about what's going on you from in my head XD

and i need to also remind myself that it's nobodies fault
it just happened
XD

I want you to look at me
and not be able to look away
no voice
no hunger
no message no alert no new post no oh-damn-my-assignment's-due
will be able to stop you
from looking at me

I want to be what makes everyone else in the room hate you,
what stops you from noticing the rest of the room at all
and I want to see you stop in your tracks
and smile and hit yourself, mentally, for having looked the other way for so long
when all this time
I've been standing right in front of you.

Who could reject a perfect arm making its way around your waist?
Who could resist a perfect smile, who could bear
to make a flat stomach plead?

I know somehow that when I get there
I'll know because I'll see you see me,
really,
unquestionably,
like you haven't in so long.

And when you do,
you'll be sorry you ever looked past me

Current Mood: blah

wow so i had completely completely forgotten about having this here!! haha
but that is good because it means i can SOB TO MYSELF about feeling sorry for myself haha and NO ONE WILL KNOW I'M DOING IT :DDD

it's so bad i mean i just don't achieve anything because i constantly feel unappreciated and ignored and unloved and THIRSTY holy heck i'm so thirsty recently
and it's like
when i'm at home
and when i'm not actively engaged in an activity involving other people
i'm like constantly on the verge of crying
like
i feel really really really mean and dumb for having forgotten about the meeting today and not come i feel really bad about that i feel sad to have missed what would have been a cool meeting sad to have not seen you and jealous of the people that got to talk to you
but but but but
HONEY
YOU CAN'T GO COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW I HAVEN'T REPLIED TO YOUR EMAIL WHEN I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY BUT I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANY TIME TO AND I'M SORRY I FORGOT BUT BUT
WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS?
WHAT DO YOU DO ON THE WEEKENDS?
WHAT
DO
YOU
EVER
DO????
WHICH IS NOT TO BE IMPLYING THAT YOU DO NOTHING I MEAN IT AS A GENUINE QUESTION BECAUSE I GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING RECENTLY OTHER THAN READING HOMESTUCK AND LISTENING TO HOMESTUCK MUSIC
sometimes i really hate myself because if i spent less time feeling terrible and used that time to read homestuck then i know you would talk to me more because we could talk about homestuck
but
i
you could be replying to me right now
and you're not
and
i know you can't hear your phone
but i have to keep believing that you actually like me enough to check your phone now and again or to -novel concept- actually spontaneously text me XD i feel really insecure right now because i know i know you don't want to get sick of me and i know we do have a good time when i see you at uni :) i just i just when i'm home and you're not here and you're not replying to me then there is nothing at all to stop my brain going crazy and it does
man
it never stops
i just really want to sort of collapse on my bed and sob during the middle of a sunny day
and i really want to hug you for a really long time and for you to hug me back properly and without being a bum grabber person and
i want to feel loved
i want to feel liked
i want to feel appreciated
XD
i
i miss feeling like that
i miss feeling happy
underneath it all
not happy because i know i had a good workout or happy because i made good cookies but just unshakingly
underlyingly
happy

and i figured it out gurl! i figured out why i've been so into baking of late! it makes me feel liked and needed. if there's one thing i can count on right now it is that Jade will have slept less than me oh haha two things actually XD and that if you make people awesome food they will be happy and they will tell you you're good at making food. there is an immediate achievement and an immediate sense of worth that comes from baking
there's no
waiting around
or if-ing
or reading between the lines
or trying to figure things out
it's all clear
it's all there
you can count on it and you know you're making people smile :)

i know i should be happy by myself and for myself and without other peoples opinions and i am really, i am, but
well
it's you
i'm your girlfriend aren't i?
i just wish we could be a couple again properly. i wish you could look at me and i could tell that you think i look nice and i wish you know maybe you don't say that you love me but god when was the last time you held my hand and when was the last time you came over and i felt like you were coming because you genuinely just wanted to see me, not because you wanted to do the activity that we were doing or i'd spent forever convincing you to come.
i feel like i must be really boring when you sit on my bed and just read fandom secrets
and i feel really boring when you just want to play video games
and you are so cute when you play them :) but but still i just
JAOEAW EOJFOAWEJFWAIE
I JUST NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW I'M FEELING AND I NEED TO HUG YOU i i sometimes haha like a real creep XD when i go to sleep i sort of just hug your jumper and pretend it's you and that it's hugging me back XD
i miss you
i just
i can't explain i can't
express
how much
god
god i just miss you
dear XD

YOU JUST CAME ONLINE :DDDDDDD