the pursuit of happyness

i don't really know what's going on with my life at the moment
like
i keep listening to i dreamed a dream because it just feels relevant...
i keep eating too much and i keep beating myself up about it
i've been gaining muscle though because i've been doing weights and i discovered that i love love weights in a strange feminist way haha :P

but like
i'm learning things that are interesting
and i want to care
and i do care
and i want to try hard
and i do try hard

but there's just no time! and i just waste too much time! and i just don't know where all the time is always going all the time?!?!?!!?!! ajoifjaweofi ajewofaeoawp

I just want
to be satisfied.

that's all i want at this point
is just to be able to do something well or try my hardest at something or have a good day or heck even just a good hour and just be able to just
accept it
and congratulate myself
and let myself have that success
without questioning everything and being so unsure and being so critical and being so
imperfect
all the time

i feel like i want someone to help me like i need someone to reassure me
but i also feel like i need this to come from me
i just
jaiofjawefajwefjwaoeifjwaeojaowej a
everything happens at once

more lists

a list of things i want to do

spend a whole sunny day baking
have a tea party with all of my friends and everyone would be happy
run around outside in all of the public places singing precisely how i feel and for that to be totally normal
to be able to dance all day
to not get hungry
to be able to fit more water in my stomach haha :P
to have nice teeth
to be fit
to be happy
to hug kate :)