whereareyougoingstanley: (the whole world smiles with you)
Well I have decided that this playlist that is pretty much all I can bring myself to listen to "atm" eugh no bleugh not a nice acronym sobs aaaaaah
...
cough
....
right
haha
um yes anyway (why did i use it and then complain instead of just not using it.....? ..... :P)

I have decided that it is ~telling~
so ah
yeah
here it is! :D

Vienna- Billy Joel
I Dreamed a Dream -from Les Mis
Kiss The Girl -from The Little Mermaid
One Less Bell to Answer/A House is not a Home -Glee Cast
Seven Nation Army -The White Stripes
Smile -Charlie Chaplin
Iris -The Goo Goo Dolls

yep XD
whereareyougoingstanley: (once upon a dream)
haha it's strange i always seem to put lists on here haha :P

well
i decided i should make a list of the mental things i feel as if i have at the moment

OCD (ongoing)
depression (mood) (has been getting progressively worse for a number of months)
body dysmorphic syndrome (have had for 2 years or so now)
dermatillomania (I don't remember not having it)
binge eating (since coming back from Melbourne)
ROCD (I donno I just feel like the obsessing over relationship-ness is sort of entering this sort of territory now it's getting so out of hand)
suicidal ideation (not very often but I do have some very bad days)
anorexic tendencies (ongoing for the past 2 years)

wow
haha
so i guess when mum said her family has a history of mental illness... i really just cropped the lot of it :P
whereareyougoingstanley: (once upon a dream)
i don't really know what's going on with my life at the moment
like
i keep listening to i dreamed a dream because it just feels relevant...
i keep eating too much and i keep beating myself up about it
i've been gaining muscle though because i've been doing weights and i discovered that i love love weights in a strange feminist way haha :P

but like
i'm learning things that are interesting
and i want to care
and i do care
and i want to try hard
and i do try hard

but there's just no time! and i just waste too much time! and i just don't know where all the time is always going all the time?!?!?!!?!! ajoifjaweofi ajewofaeoawp

I just want
to be satisfied.

that's all i want at this point
is just to be able to do something well or try my hardest at something or have a good day or heck even just a good hour and just be able to just
accept it
and congratulate myself
and let myself have that success
without questioning everything and being so unsure and being so critical and being so
imperfect
all the time

i feel like i want someone to help me like i need someone to reassure me
but i also feel like i need this to come from me
i just
jaiofjawefajwefjwaoeifjwaeojaowej a
everything happens at once
whereareyougoingstanley: (a matching exterior)
On the inside

One of life's less pleasant phenomena
is the amazing capacity for doors to affect one's mood.
For instance,
inside a particular door one may find continual questioning
about why one chooses to spend so very much time
outside it.
The root cause can seem untraceable,
the accused them-self completely unaware
that it was even happening at all.
And yet,
to the trained eye it is all too apparent
how the mood drops
as they cross the threshold.
That suddenly the most glorious example
of personality
and drive
and dedication
and skill
and happiness
to everyone outside the door
no longer holds any presence,
once they get inside.
On the contrary,
there is nothing very much they can do
to stop displeasing the people
in there.

No one really gets them
inside the door
no one really approves of what they like,
and even when they've tried until they're sore but they're triumphant
or if their heart is bleeding and it just won't stop,

they don't say anything.

No glory, no hurt, no goals do they share.
Inside the door,
no one cares.

It might not seem like it
to someone perching on the porch.
I guess we're all smiles in public.
But if you want to know the reason
why opening that door is so hard
and so unappealing,
listen at the walls
on the inside of the door,
and you won't be asking any-more.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

and now i'm going to tidy my room haha :)

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April 2013

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