Aug. 9th, 2012

whereareyougoingstanley: (Default)
wow so i had completely completely forgotten about having this here!! haha
but that is good because it means i can SOB TO MYSELF about feeling sorry for myself haha and NO ONE WILL KNOW I'M DOING IT :DDD

it's so bad i mean i just don't achieve anything because i constantly feel unappreciated and ignored and unloved and THIRSTY holy heck i'm so thirsty recently
and it's like
when i'm at home
and when i'm not actively engaged in an activity involving other people
i'm like constantly on the verge of crying
like
i feel really really really mean and dumb for having forgotten about the meeting today and not come i feel really bad about that i feel sad to have missed what would have been a cool meeting sad to have not seen you and jealous of the people that got to talk to you
but but but but
HONEY
YOU CAN'T GO COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW I HAVEN'T REPLIED TO YOUR EMAIL WHEN I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY BUT I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANY TIME TO AND I'M SORRY I FORGOT BUT BUT
WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE EVENINGS?
WHAT DO YOU DO ON THE WEEKENDS?
WHAT
DO
YOU
EVER
DO????
WHICH IS NOT TO BE IMPLYING THAT YOU DO NOTHING I MEAN IT AS A GENUINE QUESTION BECAUSE I GENUINELY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING RECENTLY OTHER THAN READING HOMESTUCK AND LISTENING TO HOMESTUCK MUSIC
sometimes i really hate myself because if i spent less time feeling terrible and used that time to read homestuck then i know you would talk to me more because we could talk about homestuck
but
i
you could be replying to me right now
and you're not
and
i know you can't hear your phone
but i have to keep believing that you actually like me enough to check your phone now and again or to -novel concept- actually spontaneously text me XD i feel really insecure right now because i know i know you don't want to get sick of me and i know we do have a good time when i see you at uni :) i just i just when i'm home and you're not here and you're not replying to me then there is nothing at all to stop my brain going crazy and it does
man
it never stops
i just really want to sort of collapse on my bed and sob during the middle of a sunny day
and i really want to hug you for a really long time and for you to hug me back properly and without being a bum grabber person and
i want to feel loved
i want to feel liked
i want to feel appreciated
XD
i
i miss feeling like that
i miss feeling happy
underneath it all
not happy because i know i had a good workout or happy because i made good cookies but just unshakingly
underlyingly
happy

and i figured it out gurl! i figured out why i've been so into baking of late! it makes me feel liked and needed. if there's one thing i can count on right now it is that Jade will have slept less than me oh haha two things actually XD and that if you make people awesome food they will be happy and they will tell you you're good at making food. there is an immediate achievement and an immediate sense of worth that comes from baking
there's no
waiting around
or if-ing
or reading between the lines
or trying to figure things out
it's all clear
it's all there
you can count on it and you know you're making people smile :)

i know i should be happy by myself and for myself and without other peoples opinions and i am really, i am, but
well
it's you
i'm your girlfriend aren't i?
i just wish we could be a couple again properly. i wish you could look at me and i could tell that you think i look nice and i wish you know maybe you don't say that you love me but god when was the last time you held my hand and when was the last time you came over and i felt like you were coming because you genuinely just wanted to see me, not because you wanted to do the activity that we were doing or i'd spent forever convincing you to come.
i feel like i must be really boring when you sit on my bed and just read fandom secrets
and i feel really boring when you just want to play video games
and you are so cute when you play them :) but but still i just
JAOEAW EOJFOAWEJFWAIE
I JUST NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW I'M FEELING AND I NEED TO HUG YOU i i sometimes haha like a real creep XD when i go to sleep i sort of just hug your jumper and pretend it's you and that it's hugging me back XD
i miss you
i just
i can't explain i can't
express
how much
god
god i just miss you
dear XD

YOU JUST CAME ONLINE :DDDDDDD

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